


Lenny and Squiggy (Sort of) Break the Gang

by Missy



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Laverne & Shirley (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Gang Behavior (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia), Crossover, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Family Feels, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Matchmaking, Obliviousness, Relationship Advice, Vacation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:41:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26388853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: Charlie's elderly Uncle Lenny and his best friend Squiggy visit the gang.  Charlie's elated, Frank's jealous, Dee's hungover for once, Dennis is territorial, and Mac is avoiding the entire situation in favor of jogging.  When Lenny starts meddling in Charlie's life, life takes a stranger than usual turn.
Relationships: Lenny Kosnowski & Andrew "Squiggy" Squiggman, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**10:15 A.M.  
Way too early  
On a Saturday  
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania**

“Why have you gotten us up at this ungodly hour again?” Dennis wondered from beside Charlie, squinting behind a pair of sunglasses, his hair a mess. 

“Dude, I told you three times. My Uncle Lenny and his friend Squiggy are coming in for the Fourth of July, and I promised I’d let them stay at my place for the week.”

“And you did not ask me first,” Frank said. He was drinking something rust-colored that smelled ungodly out of an old Pepsi bottle. 

“Dude, you invited those seven Irish bodybuilders to stay with us last week. There’s still oatmeal in my socks...”

“You know how the Irish are,” said Frank noncommittally. Then he glanced sideways at the woman standing next to him. “Deandra, you’re humping the stop sign again.”

“Shut up, Colin Farrell. Talking ruins it,” she muttered drunkenly. 

“At least she showed up. You don’t see Mac anywhere, do you?” said Charlie.

“He power walks every morning,” said Dennis. “By this time in the morning he should be glistening with sweat somewhere between Robinson and Smith.”

“Not going to ask you why you know that,” Charlie said.

“It’s not creepy! He’s my employee!” said Dennis. The bus pulled up and silenced whatever point he was hoping to make, not that Charlie would have listened or cared about it.

Two men exited said bus, dressed in the loudest clothing known to man. The tall guy with the thinning hair was wearing a bright pink Hawaiian shirt with white flowers and green and pink-checkered shorts. The shorter one – sporting patchy hair and a beard, as well as a neon-colored orange jacket, green tie and purple jacket – looked like a Halloween decoration gone wrong. They were in their 70s and humped over, but life glowed in their eyes – powerful and vital. 

Well, for a couple of old guys who looked like they might smell of liverwurst.

“Well, here we are, Squig,” the tall one observed. “The moldy sandwich!”

“Mmm, smells like it too,” Squiggy said. 

“Like mama’s kitchen.”

“Or that tuna and pudding casserole you made before we left,” Squiggy said.

“Uncle Lenny!” Charlie bellowed out. Lenny almost shoved Squiggy out of the way so he could bear hug his nephew. The embrace seemed to last for hours – at least according to the partially hung over gang.

“Look at you!” Lenny said. “You look great! Did that tapeworm finally get out of you?”

“Yeah! It finally died. You were right – that beer and Bosco diet really works!” Charlie then asked, “How’s your bedbugs?”

“Not biting!”

“There are two of them,” Dee remarked. “Or am I seeing double?”

“Oh, you’ve gotta be the bird lady,” Lenny said, waving. “Hey, how’re you doing?” His warmth toward Dee was apparently totally not expected by her, because she bared her teeth and leaned into the rickety pole holding up the stop sign. “She seems nice,” he said to Charlie.

“Don’t let her birdy face fool you,” he said, and then shoved Dennis forward. “Oh, this is…”

“Dennis Reynolds, owner of Paddy’s Pub, local God, and head of this merry band of pranksters,” he said.

“Huh, I didn’t think God’d have fish lips,” Squiggy said. Dennis’ eyes flared behind his knock-off Foster Grants.

“Hey, be nice, these’re my nephews friends,” he said. “I mean imagine what they’d say if they could see Laverne and Shirley.”

Squiggy considered the notion. “Nice broads, wonder if we could get something off of ‘em.” 

Lenny bit his palm and then shook his head. “What’m I doing? I’ve been married to one of ‘em for thirty years!”

“Hey, you wanna lie down?” Charlie asked. “I’ve got a couple of beds for you down at my place.”

“OUR place,” Frank said jealously.

“Yeah, our place!” Charlie said.

“Sounds good. We’ll go to the bar later,” Lenny said.

“Good! I’ll have lots of rats to show you by then.”

“But I don’t wanna nap,” Squiggy complained. 

Lenny shrugged. “You get cranky if you don’t nap right after a long trip. And he did promise me we’d see lots of rats after we tour the Philadelphia Philly factory,” said Lenny. 

Charlie beamed. Frank shrugged. Dennis’ nose wrinkled up. Dee threw up in the gutter. Mac jogged by, saw the entire gang gathered there, turned around and ran around the other side of the block and out of sight.

“Oh yeah, that I can do, no problem!” said Charlie quickly. “I just want you to be happy.”

“I’m never happy,” Squiggy said.

“Speak for yourself, I’m underjoyed!” Lenny said. With that, he grabbed up his suitcase and began to follow Squiggy to the end of the street and a bus stop.

As Charlie, his friends stumbled along in his wake, and wondered at the twin tornadoes that had been thrust upon them.


	2. Chapter 2

Charlie kicked in the door to the apartment he shared with Frank and waited for Lenny to crawl in with the suitcases. A couple of rats rushed by Squiggy’s feet and he smiled at them fondly while Charlie cursed – the thought he’d put out the traps that morning, but he guessed that the mice had followed him home thanks to the cheese he’d stuffed in his pockets.

“Aww. Look, Len, rats – it’s just like home.”

“Oh yeah,” Lenny beamed, putting the luggage down on the floor. “Do yours got any names?”

“I call the big one Snappy,” said Charlie. And he did. That was the rat with dark brown fur who had run up Lenny’s pantleg. Instead of freaking out, his uncle cooed and picked up the rodent by the scruff of his neck. 

“Aww! He’s got a lotta spirit,” Lenny noted. He chucked the rat out into the hallway, where it landed on Frank’s face. His screams filled the hall, but Charlie left him out there.

“So what do you think?” Charlie asked. He really wanted them to be impressed with how hard he’d worked to get the place together.

“Not bad,” Squiggy said. “You could use a little more black mold…”

“Yeah, and the wallpaper could be peeling down more,” Lenny said.

“I keep telling Frank that,” Charlie sighed. “But he doesn’t want to spend more money on water damage!”

“That’s the coward’s way out of having a perfect apartment!” Lenny said.

“But it don’t look too bad!” Squiggy said. “In fact, me and Len can probably make ourselves very comfortable right here in this very sofa, unless you and Frank wanna wrestle for it.”

“Gotta warn you,” Lenny said. “Squig’s got a trick knee but he bites hard.”

“That’s between me and you, Len!” Squiggy yelled.

“No, dude, it’s no problem – you can have the couch, me and Frank will sleep in the bed.” 

“You’re a peach, Charlie,” Said Lenny.

“Yeah, everything your mom yells at Len about is true,” said Squiggy.

“So,” Lenny said, flopping onto the sofa beside Squiggy. “Now that we’re right at home, you got any grub?” he asked.

“Yeah, we was thinking we could have hot dogs and Bosco, maybe finish it off with a little bit of French fried lint?”

“Uh…I think we have the Bosco, somewhere,” Charlie admitted. “Are you sure you guys don’t want to go out and have a real dinner somewhere? Go get a chicken dinner or something?”

“Eh,” Lenny shrugged. “Who wants some scrawny old chicken?”

That was when Dee promptly burst into the room. “Do you know Frank’s running around the hallway screaming with a rat stuck to his forehead?” she asked.

“He likes to play,” Squiggy declared, lurching to his feet. “Hello, my scrumptious little dot of skinny goodness. Would you like to be taken out on the town by one Andrew Squigman?” he asked, taking her hand and then plastering his lips against the back of it.

“I’d rather drink a puke smoothie,” Dee said.

“Oh my,” Squiggy beamed. “She’s a classy one. This your girl the waitress?”

“Are you kidding me?” Charlie yelled. “The Waitress is wonderful, and classy, and she’s so amazing and soft and pretty and she smells nice and…”

“Charlie, you and classy don’t get along,” Lenny said, cutting him off. “Aim lower.”

“Drop dead,” said Dee. “Charlie, Dennis can’t find Mac and he’s going off the deep end.”

“More than usual?” Charlie asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “You mind going to the bar with me to shut him up?”

“If I can bring my Uncle and his partner…”

“Friend,” Lenny said immediately. “We’re just friends!” 

“His FRIEND, Squiggy,” said Charlie, rolling his eyes.

“Whatever. If they don’t drink the booze I’m sure he won’t care.”

The guys shrugged and got up together. Whatever waited for them at Paddys, they communally decided, would probably be more interesting than dunking hot dogs into Bosco at Charlie’s.

Or so both the boys hoped. They didn’t know how jealous Dennis Reynolds could be, how wild the clientele at Paddys could get – or indeed what sort of schemes Lenny and Squiggy could pull.

But they would all soon learn from one another – things they didn’t want to know and things they’d never forget.


End file.
